Baby, I’m Addicted, I’m Out of Control

He had finally lost control.

The thoughts had refused to go away. It had begun a few minutes after he had woken up. His sleep was much better than last night. He had dreamt, finally. After a long, long time. Maybe a few months. He couldn’t understand what the trigger had been. Or maybe there had been no trigger. No sooner had he hit the road, walking briskly towards his work space situated two and a half miles away, the thoughts had come, in full force.

The images refused to go away in spite of all his effort to divert his focus towards other things, like the future. As soon as he had reached work, he found he was the first one to arrive. He didn’t like this at all. Being alone served another trigger for the thoughts to come back and he didn’t want them to come back. Unconsciously, he felt his neuronal circuits call out to him, enticing him towards his laptop. What a trigger that was. The internet was a boon, and it would remain so. Like everything, it was double-edged sword, just like the invention of the printing press.

Indeed there had been times when he had no inclination of resisting his carnal urges of watching the images flow across in front of him, pandering towards his deep-seated lusts and fantasies. It wasn’t that they were absolutely bad. But it was moderation that he sought. He didn’t want thoughts of such nature to occur to him when he wanted to be at his productive best, especially since he had responsibilities to fulfill, not just for him but for many others. He wanted to do so much, and yet such thoughts seemed to want him to sit back and waste himself away towards his urges, without an ounce of self-control.

He found himself thinking back to the first time he had come across nudity on the internet. He had been thirteen years old. A full twelve years later, now he felt as if, the images had altered his brain, for good or bad or worse, he did not know. It wasn’t as if this was a daily occurrence, it definitely wasn’t, but sometimes the intensity and duration of the thoughts bothered him, because they spilled over physically, causing him to indulge in an act which went against the natural order of things, which was rooted in reality. What if it impacted his real-life relationships? As of now, they weren’t, and he was definitely in control.

He wanted to put a stop to such thoughts.

He had read that thoughts became things, with the caveat being they needed to be specific and unambiguous, because the law of attraction didn’t discriminate between good or bad or want or don’t want. It just understood things for what they were, ignoring their underlying contexts. He wondered if he could deliberately think, and become aware of each and every thought that occurred to his mind, while watching them occur and pass away after a few minutes or seconds. However, as far as nudity was concerned, he had noticed they seemed to last for quite sometime.

If he could put a number to the duration, he could say that he thought about nudity for more than a few minutes at a time, and sometimes the urges would spill over into an unconscious act of grabbing his laptop and achieve the release he craved after a few minutes. He had also noticed that, with the release, the thoughts would turn away too, as if the nature of his thoughts were being expressed by his body in the form of a specific fluid. What else cold he do other than become more aware of his thoughts and deliberately address them? What else could any human do anything apart from resolve to do better next time? A change in strategy would help.

He had noticed a few triggers, the most important one being him being alone with his laptop. A second trigger would be outside, in the real world. These two triggers were enough for him to begin craving the nudity present on the internet highways, accessible at a few clicks. His tastes had changed too. He thanked the force that he was still straight. He had read about a few testimonies against pornography where the persons had claimed that their orientations had changed due to years of pornography abuse.

As he prepared himself for the day, he noticed the thoughts coming back.

He smiled.

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